Sunday, January 25, 2015

Kicking Goals!!!!

See more of my writing and photography at 

(*Click the pics to view the larger versions)

Good morning world!
This morning's sunrise! 
and the reflection in a window

Make sure to read to the end of this post so you don't miss the moral of the apple seed story! So grab your favorite drink, sit back, relax and read...

Can you believe January is almost over! The first month of the year is DONE and DUSTED! Well almost!  I am so excited about this year!!! Although it has arrived with some challenges, there has been lots of great stuff too!!! I feel positive things are going to work out. 

To me, it’s about having an unshakable faith!!! No matter what!!!

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about goals, as my 14 year old daughter has set quite a few personal goals for this year and shared them with me…it made me think of myself at her age and how I didn’t have the support or motivation to really care! I knew I wanted to be a Journalist, but my mother didn’t support that…I knew I wanted to travel…but I didn’t really see how I could make things happen the way I wanted them to! 

Although…I have traveled A LOT…I visited Fiji and New Zealand by the time I was ten, America at 20 (LA, NYC, Washington & Virginia), Fiji (again), Vanuatu, Canada and America (Florida) by the time I was 28, and since…Vanuatu again, America (NYC – for six months), and in terms of trekking my own country – I’ve lived in Brisbane, Adelaide (& Meningie S.A), The Gold Coast, and traveled as far away as Perth,Townsville, Cairns, Airlie Beach, Daydream Island, Melbourne, and a lot of little towns in between those! I drove from Brisbane to Cairns in 2013 and back again, with my little brother, and youngest child in tow. You can view many of our travel pics here and also here.

I have learned throughout my 46 short years on this planet that we can make anything we want to happen – HAPPEN! Oh yes we can!!!

But how? How can we kick goals…how do we really make joy manifest itself in our lives?

We need to speak it out loud! We need to say it, write it down and state it publicly! When we share our dreams it makes us more accountable. It’s no longer just a thought! It makes it real when we declare our intentions…and intention is half the battle I’ve discovered! It's not just something I'm saying - it's something I read and see A LOT around the place, written by people who've done it! Including little 'ole me! 

Approximately one month before my little brother located me I had started a Pinterest board for New York City (and Boston and LA). I honestly had no idea why, because in my mind I had no intention of going there. But the intention must have been there – subconscious or not! I know, because deep down I always wanted to reconnect with my father. It was a long-held dream! Little did I know my brother was looking for me for nearly 15 years…and would, with the advent my thoughts crystallizing, actually find me quite quickly once that actually happened! 

It’s like he said "We were calling to each other…" I truly do believe that!

So, what we intend becomes real! What we think about becomes our reality! If we think negatively we draw more negative! If we draw in the beautiful and the positive, abundance and love, that's what we'll find! I know because I have sincerely done that!

This year I covered the back of my bedroom door with intentions for 2015. I created a vision or dream board in one corner of my room – or a shrine to travel (as my kids are fond of calling it!) Last year I wrote out 'My 2014 - Leonie Dawson - Life Biz Workbook' (in Nov) and kept diaries of goals and dreams…all separately filled out, clear and concise, so I could follow them easily and then follow up on them regularly! Then in January I purchased the 2015 book for the same reason! And it’s all taking me on quite the journey! 

I love this workbook so much I even purchased a copy for a friend :-)

Welcome to Wonderland!

coz I've got nothing better to do all day than
lie around in vineyards reading...yeah right!

Yesterday my daughter and I took a drive to do a work out. We go to a few all different places to mix it up - from footballs fields, to flights of stairs, to hilly suburbs and so on! Yesterday I needed to take a drive to the Vineyards so we could snap and instagram my 2015 Workbook Shot! That picture above (taken by my daughter) has received a lot of attention both on Facebook and Instagram. Leonie Dawson, the amazing Workbook creator, shared on all Social Media Platforms, including Twitter. At last count there were 124 Likes on Instagram (between 2 posts) and 208 on Facebook! And such beautiful comments! Thank you!

Previously it was one of my photographs shared by ‘VisitNSW’ on Instagram that has received 891 likes at last count. It’s so wonderful to be able to share my passions far and wide! Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those who find love and inspiration in what I do. I am humbled that I can reach so many (so quickly) and although the numbers are smaller than some, I am so utterly grateful for this much. It takes my breath away…

One of my goals for 2015 was to get more attention driven towards the things I am doing…from my books to my photographs, and it’s already happening…with people like Jamie Oliver’s Sommelier from his Restaurant 15 in London, liking some of my pics on Instagram too!

I am always really touched when others appreciate, and share my work! It means a lot! And it’s a great feeling to be smashing goals…

Speaking of which… I killed it yesterday doing 1176 stairs and a circuit we did as well!! We are getting fitter and stronger with every step! We went again today and I crushed my PB by doing an extra 116 steps!  

It’s fast pace and it’s good fun! It really makes me feel like I’m really achieving something; we compete against each other which keeps us working hard! 

When I was at school I was a runner - a sprinter…I obtained many ribbons for my hard effort, I also did AND LOVED classical ballet, as well as tap and jazz. I played netball for a school team, tennis, and played A-Grade Basketball for my church team. I was active, fit and healthy and I didn’t let anything hold me back. I was competitive and I loved the exhilaration of winning – either by myself as a runner, or as part of a team… Now that competitive streak drives me to compete against my own best self! I set pretty high standards and it’s an amazing feeling when I kick goals, and achieve the aims I’ve set! There is nothing worse than setting goals and then looking at yourself and realizing you lacked the motivation to achieve them! Really, results beget results...once you see what you can achieve, it really makes you want to keep on going! It becomes easier with time!

As we drove yesterday my daughter said ‘I can’t believe we live here. Everywhere I look it’s so pretty!’ It’s like something out of a storybook! My dear friend, Paige said on FB about my 2015 LD Workbook shot "It looks like something from ‘Alice in Wonderland!: And that’s exactly how I feel! A dream that started to evolve in 2008 became reality in 2014! 

And although I never did do that Journalism degree, I did many writing courses and have ended up writing for many publications – you can view the list here on my LinkedIn Profile.

There are many ways to skin a cat, and sometimes (quite often) things don’t turn out the way we had thought or planned BUT if we truly focus, we can truly manifest what we truly desire! We can create the life we want! 

Yesterday when I posted my workbook pic and Leonie shared it, someone on FB commented ‘This is photoshop right? if not, I'm so jealous!’ 

I said - "Nope, not photoshopped at all! Just pure unadulterated beauty and joy! It’s real!" 

She said - 'okay,I'm so jealous then. It's GORGEOUS! 

Yes it is, and I am blessed!

Yes, the world truly is a beautiful place! It is my oyster!  And how good do I feel that I managed to take lemons…and make lemonade! And then I took the left over lemons and celebrated with tequila! ;) 

On this journey I am also coming to understand how we heal! It is only by being our authentic selves that we can ever take the pains of the past and turn them into the beautiful foundations of a glorious tomorrow! 

#alis volat propriis #latin 
flies with her own wings

I’ve come to understand that each person (for better or worse) comes into our lives for a reason. As they say – some are the blessing, some are the lesson! It’s a case of discovering which, through trial and error, constantly opening ourselves up to more joy…and pain!

The other day, Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love fame – you’ll see me talk about her a lot here because she’s one of the people who inspire me!) posted this link and after I read the story, I commented…here’s what I said -

"I am coming to understand this principle of being 'contracted' to each other and learning the lessons, sometimes the hard way! I had my heart broken last year and it's actually YOUR story - Eat, Pray, Love, that has kept me afloat...kept dreaming, kept believing, kept praying, hoping, wishing, trusting...and finding my own journey similar to yours. I watch a lot of your stuff on the web, particularly with Oprah! The talks you've given, and the coffee can story which I recounted a few times on my blog and shared the links to where you told it. I believe we find what we seek, when we need it most...above all else we must have faith...and we will be blessed with the lessons and the people we need in order to become molded and crafted into our own best selves, if we seek the lesson and the blessing inside of the sorrow."

As my daughter and I drove around taking photos yesterday (before and after our exercise session) I commented to her that certain things are out of our control – but if they are meant to be, they will be! There’s no point in stressing or stewing over something…Life unfolds as it will, if we just believe! We can have whatever we want, whatever we set our minds to, if we just focus. Sometimes we have to give time to receive the answers we need…nothing is instant. Only children expect instant gratification. Sometimes we have to wait for the good things. Sometimes…we are denied something good, so something better can take its place!  No matter the ups and downs, eventually all things come full circle! 

In creating the dynamic we dream of, we just need to do our part…and then, God…and the universe …will take care of the rest!

In the end nature will have it's way...and we, as humans, are part of that great story of nature. One of my favorite parables is of the Little Nut Tree and the Mighty Oak! 

'The mighty oak was once a little nut that stood it's ground!'

The lessons come in various ways... recently, my friend Bel posted this pic (below) on's one little apple that refused to give up! It refused to die! And even in being eaten will continue on living on and on and bringing joy! This is the story of two little seeds who kept on 'living' and 'growing' no matter what! "Grow or die tis nature's command!"

This is what she had to say on Facebook - I love this metaphor of life!

BB - "As I took a bite into my apple the other day these two little seeds were desperately trying to grow inside my apple. With such a desire to bring forth new life how could I not plant them! They are coming along very nicely!"

I love that they never gave up! Determined to grow....they grew! And we are the same. We can choose to wither and die in the face of adversity, or face the collision course head on and keep on going...

Anyway, on that note - 
here's what the rest of my week looked like...
How was yours?

My daughter burnt her hand straightening my hair last night 
and had to take a trip to the E.D. 
She's ok!

Oh but he is glorious, my sweet baby child...
my sleeping angel! 

Sisters!!! They love monkeying around together :) 
It's so awesome they have such a special bond! xxx

And here's our funny for the week! - there are always several but this one takes the cake last night! :-)

My 15 yr old son picked up my laptop 'Wow yours weighs a tonne compared to mine!!!' he says.. His sister quips back with 'Yeah, that' because of all the photos she takes!' ha ha!! Her brother replied 'Do you even know how a laptop works!' lol OML!!! Those two!!!!

Ahh yep! I think his sister was right :-)

#sunset my favorite part of the day!

Til next time!


Friday, January 23, 2015


Be the conquistador of your life!
Conquer those mountains
and your fears!

I don't know if Albert Einstein really is responsible for this quote and I don't really care! - he's attributed with saying a lot of things - the web is rife with quotes that have conflicting names attached...I'm not sure I believe most of them anymore (lol)...however, I like the quote and it works for this post! :)

I know, especially at the moment that even though it's hard, I won't give up on my dreams ...or my hopes...or my plans etc! Life continues to throw the curveballs, perhaps to see how much we want certain things to transpire! Despite the crazy challenges, my Dad and I, my kids and I, my family - we're a force to be reckoned with! We are achieving so much and jam-packing A LOT into a short space of time...already kicking and smashing goals for 2015. 

Despite the difficulties WE NEVER GIVE UP OR IN! 

I am forever grateful for all of my backstops! For the friends and family, especially my Dad, who push me to keep going! And for those who believe in me unreservedly! But best of all - I believe in myself! It took a long time but now my faith is unshakable! I KNOW I can move mountains! I already have!!!

So many times I could have given up - I had every reason to! So many times when people have tried to tear me down, it would have been easy to be the shrinking violet in the corner! But why should I give up on what I want most just because there are people out there who do not agree, or wish me suffering and harm! You know what, at the end of the day we all end up in the same piece of real estate, the same sized slice of land - a grave! May as well make the ride count while we're here!

After yesterday's Blog Post my friend Marg commented on it in one of my groups on FB - 

There's a saying: the behaviour you 'walk past' is the behaviour you condone.... & you're simply not condoning it anymore. The hardest, most arduous journey is the one finding yourself & more importantly being true to yourself, but is the most rewarding (I should add )Xx  

Amen sista....oh so true!!! Ain't nobody got time for that!

My advice for those of you struggling with challenges or what to do next is this -

Always do the things that bring joy and peace to your life, fill your world with color…and if you need to get revenge against someone – Be Successful! It’s the best kind! 

It's easy to be in a position where life gets you this is what I do - I read all I can get my hands on that is uplifting and productive, I write a lot of stuff along those lines, and I surround myself with color, and great people! Life is too short to be weighed down by the heavy stuff and misery! There's too much of it! So you have to create your own haven, your own peace, and never accept anything less! EVER! 

Set boundaries people! Move on from the negative...don't read it, don't absorb it, don't entertain it, don't engage it, don't believe it, don't listen to it, don't give it a platform, don't share it! I tell you, it's the only way to survive this world! And most of all...just do your own thing!!! Don't take on things that don't belong to you!!! Let other people own their own shit!!! ...and let them deal with it!!!

I was never really a BIG goal-planner when I was younger - someone or something always seemed to get in the way...and sometimes it seemed like something that was too hard, or reserved for the super-human! I just kind of walked through life doing whatever took my fancy! It was fun (for awhile) and it gave me a kind of freedom - a gypsy life... that I pressure! But there comes a time to knuckle down and 'just make shit happen!'  Now I am used to goal-setting, it's kind of fun and I don't let anything stop me! It would be kind of silly to set goals that don't make you happy! And it doesn't matter how small the goals are. Just set ones you really want to achieve...even if they seem like they are way off in the distant future! 

Now this is what I use to help me set goals and kick them into the stratosphere! The Leonie Dawson Workbook...ROCKS! I first found this little gem at the end of 2014 and I filled it all out and worked on it, going to the library to focus, I kept two notebooks I worked from at the time as I was using the Ebook version! This year I have the print copy & I can't wait to get started!

I am so grateful to live in a time, though rife with suffering, leads us down a path to self-awareness. I am thankful for the spiritual connections and the life journey I am on! I love that we can seek out a higher vibration and live through that. We can always always always cast off the shackles of doubt and fear...we don't have to be prisoners of them! Not ever!

Meeting your goals can help you face challenges head on! When you smash those goals and create the life you want, you'll sculpt your life, your body and your mind! You'll be stronger and healthier and you'll be a force to be reckoned with! Just like Naomi from Seven Cherubs!

Are you smashing your 2015 Goals so far? It's okay if you're having days where you're not quite making it, but just keep on going. Don't give up! We're only just 23 days into a new year. You still have a whole clean slate of 11 months (and one week) in front of you! So don't give up! 

Never give doesn't matter what month it is...
just keep on going! You can do it! I believe in you!!!

(*click the pic to see the larger versions)

My daughter and I have made a commitment to exercise together. I have decided this year that I hate walking (I miss Brooklyn for that ... and running through the subway for trains... it was great exercise but I am no longer in Brooklyn lol) and I want to see faster results, so I have to work with what I've got... we hit the stairs and a circuit we've found... last week I did over 722 steps. Yesterday I did almost 940! Each day we get fitter and stronger!!! Today I hope to say I hit 1000! 

This was the glorious sunset that greeted us yesterday!
I love exercising on dusk, it's much cooler 
and it's sucha pretty time of day!
It's always fun to see what shots I can get on the way home!

This is what the sky looked like the other day 
on the way to the airport :-)

One of my goals for 2015 was to get more attention for my photographs, 
and stuff that I am doing in general! 
Thank you to visitnsw for sharing one of my favorite pictures on their instagram account. I am uber proud! I'd love for this pic to reach 1000 likes...not doing too bad so far at 887! 

Click to see larger versions!

I'm so proud of my children and their they tackle life and think outside the square...and I'm so excited about some awesome things my 15 year old has planned and is working on...he's really getting there in leaps and bounds!

My youngest daughter has not only set fitness goals for herself she also set a goal to get a job...which happened yesterday! She was hired on the spot!!! I am one super proud Mommy! And so excited for her!!! It's her very first job ever! 

My little baker is still baking....and he always let's me taste test :) 
I am so proud of his efforts and love the passion that he feels for his craft!

This was a joint effort with his Dad.

I feel so very blessed :-)

My 3 yr old stole the camera...this was the result
Love the selfie! :-)

And this week I posted a few of my favorite things -
this is the stuff you'd find in my bathroom!
See the reviews here!

Well that's all from me today!
I hope I have motivated you!
Til next time...
Ciao Ciao belli lettori

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Liberta - Freedom

SuiteXposure Photography - click the pics to view larger versions!

I decided last night to write a post about freedom today...


This story is about seeking  - in an unjust world, especially when that world is controlled by family!

So first, I hunted down a few pics I took in NYC that collectively and separately personally spell freedom for me (in one area of my life)... As I was watching one of the final eps of 'Parenthood' last night, Dax Shepherd's character Crosby had this to say - 

"Like our spirit animal says 'Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose'...and we have absolutely nothing left to lose!" 

- when quoting Janis Joplin, as he looked around the bare sound recording studio of 'The Luncheonette' after it had been robbed of all of its equipment and their favorite photo of Joplin. I loved this quote so much and it pretty much summed up my life and the course it took over the past two I added it to one of my own photographs...a sunset... because sunsets are symbolic for me - what it means to me is that 'I survived another day!'...then, the world falls asleep and wind whispers quietly 'The day is done!' 

(cont'd below graphic)

I may have lost a lot, but I gained the freedom to finally be myself and the chance to be true to me! It is through this new-found freedom that I have the courage to tell my story and share the journey...many of the pages that appear in this Blog, as well as many untold chapters, will be included in the memoir that I am writing with my Dad... Find out more about that here on my Reconnecting page

Sometimes you have to choose between being kind...and being true to yourself and telling your story!


So it's time to share a little more of my journey and how 'then THEN' lead me to 'the NOW!'

My mother had a saying, in fact she had a LOT Of sayings that took me years to decipher. Not because I didn’t know what they meant, I just never realized she was really talking about herself. My mother is a narcissist; the true and correct definition of this entirely evil persona.  She was the one who taught me (rammed down my throat) not to be deceitful, yet lied and lied and lied… She fabricated stories throughout my entire childhood, from where she met my father (She said Cloudland - it was actually the Sky Lounge at the airport! Hmmm close...if you squint it looks the same...), to making up a spaghetti bolognaise recipe and passing it off as his (I mean seriously, what Italian uses soy sauce in their recipe! My brother nearly died laughing when I told I was cooking it!), to what happened to her engagement ring (she said she gave it back to my father, and he was shocked into silence and he looked so hurt, when I told him this)... and then he told me he'd never asked for it back because he loved my mother and believed one day they would be together. We both believe my grandmother/mother sold the ring because by the time I was old enough to ask, all she had was the wedding ring...

...and of course there was much much more…  

But the piece de resistance, however, was her story about me being an accident, ('oops I didn’t mean to fall pregnant when I was 16' - well, okay that IS believable! It was easy to swallow - for 45 long years! - I'm not sure why you want your child to think they were an accident, unplanned...instead of created out of love)… because, in actual fact it was a decision she and my father made together, so she could escape her own evil narcissistic mother (she learned from the best and as such rivals her) and her father who was an alcoholic… However, this man, for all of his faults and failings was a kind man to me! Always! But, in order to poison my mind entirely (and because she wanted the bassinet back that he made and she GAVE to me), she concocted the story that my grandfather had my father up against a tree with a knife at his throat, so that I would hate him. In 44 years I’d never heard that story before! Imagine! This one was trotted out a few days before I left for America (last year) to see my father…how convenient really! My Grandfather may have been a lot of things, but violent was not one of them! And my father categorically denies this story too, when he has no reason to cover my Grandfather's backside. Neither of my grandparents did my father any favors, so he doesn’t owe them a thing and they are both dead, so there’s no reason to tell a lie now! It didn't make me give the bassinet back! It just made me hold it tighter. If she can sully her father's name (the father she claimed to love and adore) 35 years after his death, with a lie designed to make me hate him and his memory! - then she doesn't deserve that item back in her care. I will always be grateful to my husband and children for preserving it for me, and keeping it safe! Thank you!

So, sadly I am left with these stories and lies that my mother refuses to discuss. If you call her out on a lie she just sits in silence and looks right through you. It was terrible actually, to see the hollowness in my mother's eyes, like there is no soul there at all...empty, devoid of emotion...with just that reptilian stare (the kind psychopaths get!)

Recently when I went to collect my items from her house (I had stuff stored there that my husband had put into her garage) she called the police and had me removed. Not physically removed, but they did verbally (politely request) that I leave. Not that they rushed me! I didn’t destroy or break anything, I didn’t cause a scene - six of my children were present. I didn't need for them to be put through that. The police asked me why I was there and I explained it was because I had items to collect, two of my children were living there and I wanted to say goodbye before I left the state, but most importantly, I wanted to ask my mother about the lies she'd told me about my father, and stories he had shared… I knew she was never going to tell the truth, but I had to try! And then when I broke down and cried while talking to police outside, she said to one of my children ‘You should the performance your mother is putting on for the police.’  It makes me wonder really, what makes a person so bitter from inside out!? I have to laugh it off really... because if I didn't, that kind of negative rubbish wouldn't do me any good. It's better to understand that she's sick and bitter and chooses not to change, and then just move on! 

I asked her to state for the record that I hadn’t broken or disrupted anything while I was there, to which she agreed I had not. The very tall policeman said to me “Sometimes people aren’t ready to face the truth, or talk…” and he’s right! She wasn’t ready, she never will be ready, because although she taught me not to tell lies, that’s how she lives her entire life. She doesn't want to face the truth! She fabricated a story, that I suppose on some level, made the mess she’d made of her life easier to deal with all these years. As they say 'Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!' Some people live there permanently because then they don't have to act. Once we acknowledge the source of our pain - whether it's a lie we told, a bad relationship we're in, a job we hate, a bad habit we have and so on - we are compelled to act to change it with the knowledge that we are miserable. For many people, it's just a whole lot easier to sit in their ivory tower, comfortable on their high horse, pious in their feigned glory and decisions. What a scary place to be! But for them it must bring a modicum of comfort as I know far too many people who choose to live their lives this way! What a shock it will be on the other side...

Anyway, the real reason my mother called the police was because I confronted her married paedophile boyfriend, Dan, when he arrived at her house for moral support. She’s been with this guy since I was about 7 or 8. Let me take you back and share a piece of history - 

I was home alone for a few days when I was about 14. My grandmother had gone to Sydney, to the dedication of the Mormon Temple. My train would arrive at Shorncliffe at 3.50 pm each afternoon and I would be home a few minutes later because we lived right by the station. I was expecting my mother’s call. She had promised to ring at 4 pm each afternoon to make sure I got inside safely…but I wasn’t expecting HIS call…the man with gravelly and highly distinctive voice who said he’d just watched me walk home…the man who said "I love to watch your arse wiggle as you walk"…the man who said vulgar and disgusting things about what he wanted to do to me with my legs spread, using words to the effect of 'I want to eat you out!' Who says that TO A CHILD? He significantly terrified me enough that I told my mother. 

At first it seemed like someone really was watching me, and maybe he was. Or maybe it was a plan they concocted together because fear was the way she ruled me. I often wondered if she gave him the words, or if he chose them for himself! The methodology being, that if I was scared I’d stay home and not venture far. Not that I would have anyway. I was grateful to have the house to myself, happy to chill in front of the t.v. I was 14, but I was pretty responsible kid. I came home as promised, grabbed some afternoon tea, and I was happy to be carefree and just kick back and do nothing…peace reigned supreme, no grandmother yelling at me and telling me what to do! That was a pretty big deal for a kid of my age. I thought ‘Wow, that’s great, they trust me to do this for a few days!’ This was my version of 'FREEDOM' at the time!  But instead, this is what I got. Imagine a regime ruled by fear...what child can flourish under that ruling? Like the time my grandmother said to me when I was 5 - "Girls like you get raped and thrown up drainpipes!" Oh how wilful and terrible I must have been to receive a tongue-lashing like that....not quite the same kind the paedophile offered me. But it seems like birds of a feather flock together... They're all as sick as each other. 

So I told my mother that I knew who it was, I recognized his voice - there was NO mistaking it… she neither confirmed nor denied, she just went quiet… It’s true what she used to say ‘There’s none so blind as those who will not see!’ She didn’t ever want to see the error of her ways, or his, nor does she now… It’s easier to pretend… Because once we acknowledge something, as I said, we are compelled to do something about it! And she would never have given him up (evidenced by the fact that they are still together to this day...nearly 40 years later...although he still lives with his poor unsuspecting wife Jan!) This man is now a grandfather. I wonder if he treats his own blood this way? Imagine what he'd do to a granddaughter if he got his hands on her. It makes me feel sick to think about it!

So I was there, collecting my stuff to move interstate and the paedophile turned up. I didn’t want to confront him but I knew I had to. It was now or never! He parked on the driveway, never once stepping from his car. I waited to see what he would do. He saw me and he stayed inside the vehicle, so I walked towards where he was parked…he got scared I guess and started to leave, backing out of the drive…so I confronted him anyway! I called him a dirty paedophile and he just sat there grinning at me… then laughing and nodding his head like a sick bobblehead! Is that normal? Who does that? He didn’t fight back, he didn’t didn’t deny it! … then he backed out the driveway and parked on the street, she was dailing the police and I walked back inside to wait for the inevitable visit that I knew would eventually come...

I never run from a situation. I stand and face it, no matter how bad it is. I'd rather be in the center of it than somewhere else wondering. I'd rather stand and deal! When I was a little girl and I was going to swimming lessons, I took it upon myself to dive in at the deep end. Little did I know this would become the metaphor for my life... I was terrified of the water...TERRIFIED...but I dove in and then sat on the bottom of the pool. When I am afraid of something I face it head on! I don't want to...every fiber in my being screams NO!!! But I do it anyway... You can never run from a situation. It will always always find you! Even if it comes to you almost half a century later!

I really didn’t want to do this! It was the last thing I wanted to do. I was trying to talk myself out of it as I went to his car. But I knew it had to be done or I would always regret not taking the chance, and I needed to fight back…that 14 year old child in side of me was still screaming to be heard! And I wanted him to know that I knew! And that was the catalyst! She called the police and I’m glad that she did, because now there’s documented evidence of I what I said, because I told them what he’d done and they requested that I go and make a formal complaint. 

My mother claims not to read my Blog. But I know she does! Her claim is that someone else reads it to her! What the? Maybe that’s the part of the day that's called ‘Story time with Liz’ … very sadly, you truly never know what is fact and what is fiction with her! It’s so hard to separate the truth from the lies! I must admit I no longer try! At least with every thing I say I am able to back myself up! I never put stuff in print that I cannot prove, or don't have some form of evidence to support my claims! Other wise, what would be the point, it will all just come out at a later date! It may take decades, but it always does... just like she never thought I'd reconnect with my father and find out a myriad of truths. How it must have scared her, and my Grandmother, when I went to NYC in 1989, and how relieved they must have been when it all didn't work out!  ...and I came home none the wiser....until now!)

My mother failed to protect me when I was just a little girl. My cousin’s half brother S.... touched me when I was just a child too. I was 30 before I told her and the only thing she ever said to me was “I didn’t think we went there that often!”  "ISN'T ONE TIME TOO MANY TIMES MOTHER?" I asked... but my mother didn’t care! She always tried to paint me as the black sheep but refuses to take responsibility for her behavior even now, at 63. Some of those white sheep sure aren't as white as they try to appear! She sits in her ivory tower and judges me and my life! When once she never cared enough to read anything I wrote (I gave her an English assignment that scored an A+, back in the same year as the paedophile saga; I proudly showed it off and asked her to read it. She was always at me about my grades. A month later it was under a pile of crap collecting dust on her bedroom floor. I asked her if she liked it and she said yes. Sensing a lie looming, I asked her how it ended...she couldn't tell me, when I caught her out - she just laughed!) but now she takes great delight in saying ‘I don’t read your Blog, other people just keep me informed!’  Well 'other people...Liz, Dan, and company...' this post is for you!' Now you are ALL ... MOST INFORMED!

Sooo, my question would be... "If you don’t care, then why do come here? Why do you wish to have a window into MY life now?" 

I walked away from my mother at the age of 40, to protect myself and my children! I was tired of the way she treated me, and having her segregate my family down the middle, doing for one half and not the other. She favored the four eldest and ignored the youngest six, who were hurt every single time it happened. She will tell you that she housed my children for a time but she resented every minute of it, unless it was for money! That’s the only kind of currency she understands, not love and affection. 

I had a conversation with my 7 year old today. He's a loving little soul, with a beautiful nature and eyes so dark they are like liquid chocolate. He was showing me his very well-loved toy Rarsh (a Giraffe) that he's had since he was just over a year old...he needed more surgery, he's a bit worse for little man was showing me his broken bits and where he's been stitched many times before and I said to him - "That's because you loved him so well!" Then I shared the story of the Velveteen Rabbit... because I truly believe love heals and makes us whole! LOVE can repair father and I are living proof of that...and so are my beautiful brood! 

“There’s something wrong with your character when opportunity controls your loyalty!” 

I try very hard not to use my Blog as a vehicle to hurt others. But I can’t always sit idly by and not tell my story for what it truly is! She had me removed by the police in front of my small children who were hysterical and I had to calm them down. And yet, as I left, and I took my time, I spent time with my son's big beautiful dog 'Winston'! (who bowled me over) and I had my children say goodbye properly and thank her for letting them stay! She didn’t deserve it, but I did it anyway. Someone had to take the high road and it may as well have been me. And I can assure you, it was only ever going to be me! I wasn’t having them leaving there disrespecting her. What goes on between her and I is not between them and me. I wanted them to do the right thing, I wanted to do the right thing, even if she didn’t and I was determined that I was leaving with my dignity intact, ON MY TERMS! Yes, I hurt because of how she’s treated me, but I will never surrender to pain! I will never give in and I will never fall apart because of what’s been done and said. Even in the face of this disaster, I will keep a clear head and respond accordingly! AND THAT IS WHAT TRUE FREEDOM IS... the courage to face the obstacles and still be yourself. The truth of who you are is truly all that remains when the rest of life is stripped away! 

Are you an empty vessel...or a soul that is free, because you are filled with love?

As I often say - I would rather be remembered for the good I put out into this world...not the pain! But part of healing is standing and sharing our stories in an empowering way! That's the journey I'm on now and this chapter is all about me and my little ones! And the life we create together...the memories we make...the love we share...the moments...the milestones...the joy!

My mother, and my Blog Stalkers, my ex, the Doctor, and his wife and daughter (both doctor’s also, who reside in South Australia) stalk my Blog waiting for the latest piece of hot gossip – waiting, watching…hoping that I will fall over and fail! Well here's your latest piece... :-)

Yeah, life has been tough, I don’t deny that…how could I? But I think it’s a little bit sad that 20 years after an event certain people are so obsessed with me still that they visit my Blog non stop…and for what? Have you nothing better to do with your lives? I mean, not that I care, because it’s really just a case of more numbers for me…but honestly aren’t you growing weary of living this chapter? Why do you keep punishing yourselves by coming here? Is my life infinitely more interesting than yours, or are you just scared I’m going to out you one day by mentioning the Kerrigan name?  (Growing up in Shorncliffe/Sandgate that's how I met them all! The daughter writes about me on my Blog, but I haven't seen the child since she was 3! She's 27 now...) or 28? Who really cares?

I guess they get my Blog posts via email and then hurriedly visit wondering what this latest installment could be! It’s a car crash (lol) but these people can’t stop looking… sooooo ….like I’ve said a million times before, while ever you keep stalking you’ll read nothing good about yourselves. It’s part of my story, the tapestry of my life and many of these details will appear in my forthcoming book!

I hate writing posts about grief and misery! It's not fun to tear others down... but if I sit in silence, I remain a captive and the villains continue to play their role in secret and get away with it. I am nobody's slave! I am my own person and I get to dictate what appears on my Blog and in my book! And now because of the way my journey has transpired...I am TRULY FREE!!! To those who thought they were disabling me, in actual fact - you opened the door to freedom - thank you!

Til next time!