You may (or may not) have noticed I’ve been too tired to formulate great sentences, too tired to edit my photos, too tired to include many of them, and even when we’ve done a lot of things I could have photographed I haven’t even really done that either. You may have noticed the changing landscape of my Blog and I think it translates to the changing shape of me! And no I’m not talking about my weight! ;)
I have been too tired. Exhausted! I just finished my third book ‘Wild at Heart’ – five edits later! I always seem to do five to completely polish it. I’m running around with my kids trying to show them our brave new world and what it has to offer. I’m writing furiously but not always feeling like it…but still I write because it’s better to write something and write it badly, at least you can edit that – you can’t edit a blank page. I find I am writing about the same things because I am working hard on those things and I don’t have the energy to expend elsewhere. I have my set goals in place and I am focused and one-eyed about them. Have you noticed?
The latest song by Jessie J – Masterpiece – really sums it up nicely for me…
I have been too tired to research interesting people and put together newsworthy topics…and I don’t care. I don’t care because my exhaustion comes from doing…it also comes from all I have gone through in the past two years and I think it has finally all caught up with me. Yet I refuse to stop…I will always make myself keep going. I also don’t care because I am me, and I am doing my best. It’s not someone else’s best but it’s my best and sometimes…my Blog will be boring! Oh well...can't write a Masterpiece every single day!
My down time is to enjoy the things I’m watching with my kids ‘Eye Candy,’ ‘Brooklyn 99’, ‘How to get Away with Murder’, or ‘The Fosters’ etc… (I'm not a 'Home & Away Soap fan! Ugh) I try so hard to catch up on the eps I’ve missed so that we can watch the latest ones together; but I lie down at night, see one episode (or half of one) and fall asleep. I’ve changed my sleeping habits and I can’t stay awake all night anymore – I think I’m getting OLD!! Lol
This week I watched the OLD movie ‘Sliding Doors’. You know the one - with Gwyneth Paltrow! I’ve never seen this movie all the way through til now. I really appreciated the split in the ending. I love movies where worlds collide…it gives me pause…and makes me wonder… WHAT IF…
So many times (like most people) I’ve questioned WHAT IF… WHAT IF I’d gone this way or that, not met that person, not had that relationship, not listened to someone’s advice, not moved into that house or lived in that suburb. Well we could kind of do that til hell freezes. It’s futile. But it does make you realize that something as simple as missing a train can alter the entire shape of your world…maybe it won’t, but it could…
When my brother located me via LinkedIn in 2012 (after 15 years of searching online) the email went to a defunct address. Only that I was away in Rockhampton visiting a friend in Jan 2013 that I even had the time (or ability to care) that made me check it. I wasn’t even sure I’d remember the password. And there was his message, two weeks after he’d sent it. I wasn’t using LinkedIn at the time and had thought about deleting my account four months before. He wrote and I wasn’t sure whether to reply - my life would be so different now if I hadn’t…
For one, I would never have had 8 amazing months with him in Australia, and our first ever holiday (road trip) to Cairns, followed by a week in Vanuatu.
I would never have lived in NYC for six months and had such a blessed experience!
I would not have my Dad back in my life…
There are at least a million things that would now be different if that connection had never been made – all for the sake of one defunct email address and a password… I may never have even seen that message, or found it til years later… What then?
It’s kind of amazing to think if you went back and changed just one little thing (like in the move ‘The Butterfly Effect’) how different everything would be!
It may be a one split second thing that alters your life (irrevocably) forever… I know this altered mine! And there’s no going back now!
Yesterday I was in a car park putting groceries in the trunk of my car when I was approached by a young woman of about 30, a mother of four, asking where there might be a park to take her children, so I directed her to my favorite one. She mentioned they are thinking of moving here and asked if I liked it. I gave her my number and told her as much as I could – I’m new here too, so I am still getting used to my new surrounds…there’s much I don’t know…street names, directions…where all the parks are… Did I just alter her destiny?
…maybe she met someone else yesterday who also changed her story!
It’s a little scary, a little crazy that we can (manipulate) and ultimately affect someone else to the point of reshaping what could have been…. Some would argue then that that outcome was meant to be…but was it? I don’t believe so. Not when you play God with people’s lives. If what you do or say results in a better outcome for someone you have a good argument (MAYBE) but if what you decide ultimately leads them down a path of heartbreak, I cannot condone that or say it was meant to be. Although I know it is through suffering that we learn some of our greatest lessons, and find some of our proudest moments, it’s hard to reconcile that people hurt us for their own agenda – with no thought for what that means at the end of time. I know from experience that a decision someone made nearly 50 years ago is still affecting me today, and not just me, a second generation – my children! Sometimes when you make a decision...it is forever...
And as I make plans to right the wrongs of the past and pull it all together – to fix what was torn asunder it makes me think how different (and how much better) things could have been… But I can’t focus on the past, I can only focus on the here and now and fix it, make it better and connect the dots so that we are all never separated again!
I often pray that I’ll find the lesson in the agony, meet the people I need to meet, connect with the best people I can. I don’t mean the ones who have money or the ones who are best in their field…I mean, the best people for me! We all need ‘Our Tribe!’ I’m finding mine here like my spot was just sitting here waiting for me, and once I arrived a lot of things fell into place…
You may have seen me write about the numbers 9-11. I see this number A LOT. My grandfather was born in 1911, and since my little brother showed up from NYC this number follows me EVERYWHERE. It’s on clocks, trucks, number plates, street addresses, price tags, sizes…you name it…it haunts me :-) in a good way! Last night as the fireworks started and I watched them from my front door, I looked down at my clock – 9-11 on the dot!!! (When the Sept 11 terrorist attack happened I didn’t know for the longest time if my Father and brothers were ok. This date has always been very significant to me and I wear it engraved as ‘1911’ on a Peace Dove around my neck). It's my amulet.
I know that I am where I am meant to be…for now…I also know that it’s temporary so I am soaking up the sights and sounds, immersing myself in the culture and experience, taking as many photos as I can (just not this week but I’ll get back into it).
I am excited that it’s Autumn and that means that everything around me is going to start changing in preparation for winter. It means that time is moving ever forward, and every day I am a day closer to my goals. Each goal is a dream come true. I set goals I am proud to achieve, excited to achieve…and some that may, for now, seem beyond my reach, but they are there and I know I will make them happen if not today then some day!
I am so very grateful to be blessed with similar measures of tenacity to my Father, and I know that together we can move mountains! We already have!
So if not for one single email that changed my entire life…I wonder where I would be today and what my life would look like?
As hard as it’s been in so very many ways I am forever grateful for the blessing of reconnecting with my Dad. No matter what trials have come along this steep learning curve, I am grateful. As I spoke with my sister in law on Facebook yesterday and she expressed excitement to see me back in NYC very soon, I told her that although it wasn’t always an easy journey while I was there, I have the best memories of that time and I would do it all again in a heartbeat! I am so grateful that my little brother had the courage and persistence to come and find me. It hasn’t always been a pleasant passage or expedition, but without the sorrow I wouldn’t have found the unending joy! I want him to know that I am so very grateful for that!
Two years ago today I was eagerly awaiting his arrival in Australia…and now I am back here without him. It’s really hard to live without the people you love most in the world but I know that it won’t always be this way…I may have missed that train 46 years ago, I may have been missed it 26 years ago…but I have been given another chance, and I am sure as hell gonna make this one count!
One year ago today I was reconnecting with my Dad… on the 1st of March 2014 I arrived back on American soil to see my Father after 25 long years apart, and before that, we’d spent 20 years apart. But the gap is closing… I will always be grateful for the time I had with my Italian (and extended) family in Brooklyn, for the hospitality of their beautiful friends, for the blessed connections I made and still have today. My heart is full to bursting when I think about just how lucky I am!
Our street in Brooklyn
(It was Fall when I arrived, Winter for most of my stay, the advent of Spring when I left and by the time I returned ten days later the snow had melted and the landscape had changed again...the only season I have't seen yet is Summer!)
The tree outside of our apartment!
It’s true what they say – When one door closes another door opens…or… there's always this version -
My fave quotes this week -