Sunday, July 20, 2014
My son has to bury his best friend 3 days before his own birthday...this is so wrong...it is a cruel twist of fate I can barely fathom! It is a reality my heart does not want to indulge in. It is a truth my mind does not want to believe. It is a messed up 'the end' my eyes do not want to witness and my soul does not want to parttake in!
Today I discovered that in typical 'ZD style,' he was creating a wrap-around design for my son to have put on the hood of his car. I couldn't help but think of that unfinished piece, now lying dormant. It will never be complete...it will surely remain as a testament to a life half-lived, not because he didn't live life to the full - he surely did in so many ways - but because he is no longer here and we are no longer the recipients of his beautiful talent. He was a blessing to many!
How is it that you were taken away all too quickly...all too soon? We weren't done with you yet!!!
His funeral will be held in Sydney this week...I have looked at his pictures, so full of life, and I simply cannot comprehend this. Surely this is a nightmare we will all wake up from? If only....but my heart whispers the truth of it, while still trying to deny it.
To my beautiful son - "If I'd just built my first house in a different street...I could have saved you this heartache. You never would have met him or knew he had existed. I'm so sorry you are hurting!" But I know deep down that thought process is so wrong. We can't save our children from everything...and as much as I want to protect my little boy, who is almost 24, I realise that it is just a crazy thought. We all suffer in this life...but it is a very harsh reality of life to be faced with such a huge death, at his tender age. I dont want this journey for him...but I am powerless, was powerless, to save him from it. And who could deny him the joy of that friendship, even if his heart is broken now...it is proof of the connection they had!
We experience life and suffer for it. It is because we love that we hurt when we lose someone. It is so much easier to go into protective mode, wrap our hearts in cottonwool, or harden them up and never let a soul in...but as humanbeings it is very hard not to 'feel'...not to have those tender moments...it is virtually impossible to stand alone. To never truly love someone, with all of your heart and soul, is to miss the true meaning of life... They say 'it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all....' I guess on some level, I do believe this. To know that you can feel that depth of emotion for another is a beautiful thing. It is a gift...but it hurts like hell when that gift is taken away...and how do we recover???
I no longer believe the quote that 'Time heals all wounds.' I think we just learn to live with the pain...It becomes our 'new kind of normal!' The structure of our heart alters...that elastic part of our beings that can stretch and love more than one, expands to fill our chest cavity, it involves our brain, our emotional control center...and every fiber in our being hurts and aches for the space that person filled but now lies empty... And yet if we invest nothing...what then? Who are we? What are we but robots barely functioning... In order to hurt we had to have lived and loved...but the density of that grief mantel is a banner we grow weary of wearing...it hurts and nothing stops it hurting...There is but one remedy...having that person back in our lives to share the journey... but sometimes, it is just not possible...death steals them away and what then?
Where to from here? How do we continue a path we shared, where now that space beside us is so obviously devoid of their presence...our heart is missing the joy they brought us...how do we go on without their loving presence in our world...how, when we got so used to having that vibrant person there do we walk forward into the unknown without them...when once they held our hand, understood every word we said (and the ones we didn't), shared our lives and brought a dimension to our little piece of the world that no one else could, how do we survive it? I have no answers to these questions...I only know that Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grief...and she was right! I would dearly love to live in the denial phase forever, where it's safe...but the rest of it comes in waves...unnbidden and unwelcome...waves we cannot banish or avoid...waves that press upon us like the ocean against the shore...sometimes it comes in a gentle motion... and at other moments (when we are least prepared) it comes crashing around us, threatening to drown us in its wake...it laps and licks, erodes and pounds...and yet, sometimes the calmest ocean can be the one where we struggle...in those still moments of reflection, in that bottomless salty abyss, time stands still and we are at the mercy of the elements...the truth will always be the moment of reckoning - our undoing...there is no escape from that... He is gone and we have already grown weary of that truth; now we must traverse this painful path alone...
RIP Kiddo...we miss you!
*If you only knew how loved you were in life...as you are in death :*(
As I drove around the Vineyards on the weekend,
I realised that much has changed in my life
and some of it, I just don't want back...
those hopes and dreams were for another time!
Fate intervened...it had other plans for me...
and I am very grateful of them!
I love what my future looks like now...
I could never go back to hoping and wishing for the things
I wanted previously, for my heart and mind have experienced so much more!
I am a city girl and my heart yearns for the excitement of NYC!
The country is definitely not for me...
But I learned something else this weekend!...
Some of those people we miss because they are 'our people...or our tribe' and we should be with them if we can. We should find a way to connect those dots and never ever let them go again, like I am doing with my long lost family.... You can find out more about that here on my GoFundMe Project.
...but then, there are people we will always miss, because we love them, but...they aren't right for us. And oft times, those people are not meant to be in our lives. Maybe it's because they are bad for us...or they don't mesh in our world. Maybe it's because we are too different and can't make it all blend. Maybe it's something in them or something in us, maybe it's just that distance and time separates you and there's really nothing you can do about that...at first...maybe in time it can be rectified...or, maybe it was just a case of right people/wrong time. Who knows! Some goodbyes truly are forever...
But, I've learned it's ok to miss someone. You don't necessarily have to 'fix it up!' Maybe some things just aren't meant to be and you can't struggle to make them happen. For if something is truly meant, truly pre-ordained, then it will happen! It will eventuate and unfold as surely as a flag unfurls in the breeze. You can work towards a good outcome BUT you can't fight fate...We humans think we are in control of our lives but it's more true that 'All the world's a stage and we are merely players!' Thanks Shakespeare! You really worked it out early on and said it so well!
Recently I've had more goodbyes than I ever cared to have, for all kinds of reasons and there are more to come. I hate the word goodbye and I've kind of resolved never to say it again to those I love and I want nearby (even if I can only keep them in my heart for now). I prefer 'Au Revoir - til we meet again' (although technically it's a goodbye of sorts, it's not...it makes the assumption you will meet again...who knows when or where, but you will!) I pray some of those goodbyes aren't permanent, but sadly, some of them were or at least, appear to be...some are permanent for this life, til we meet again on other side, beyond the veil. Those are the worst goodbyes, the ones you can do nothing about!
This week I am missing a piece of my heart...or maybe it's two pieces really! And something happened that I didn't see coming and couldn't have been prepared for...death impacts our lives so greatly. The height and depth, length and breadth of it all, is so unimaginable...the pain and permanence and gravity of it rakes through your soul and it leaves you saying (and knowing) 'I will miss you forever...'
This other goodbye has left a profound mark, and feeling of sadness on my soul, and yet, it was in that goodbye that I realised we have no control over what someone else thinks and feels...and sometimes, it just best to let them go, bid them adieu, wish them well on their life's journey...but literally, say goodbye! If it was meant to be any different it would be...
It begs the question...if you have six months away from someone, don't see them, contact them or have anything to do with them, do you truly get over them as the experts say?
...if someone truly wants to be in your life, they will find a way! You won't need to beg, or to convince them that they should be, you won't have to change their mind or tell them that something is worth fighting for...it will happen, because they'll already know that or come to that realisation all by themselves...maybe not as a conscious decision at first, but after a time; and when they realise that hole in their heart was left because you aren't there any more, then it will either motivate them to do something about it, or they will come to the same realisation.... 'It's ok to miss someone...' It really is ok! But...sometimes it's better than continuously hurting yourself trying to be with them...
I suppose whatever is beyond the OK mark is up to fate to decide...
Goodbye ZD and 'S'...I miss you both!!!
...miss you forever!
Images supplied by Google images unless otherwise stated.
Photography by SuiteXposure Photography by M. Hayward
Saturday, July 19, 2014
"With brave wings she flies..."
Woman thou art loosed - Luke 13:12
I seem to spend A LOT of time in and at airports lately!
That's where this pic was taken as I flew out on Thursday
to hit the vineyards with my bestie...
Me & Bex
Such a beautiful trip
with lots of laughs...
and lots of fun!
Infront of...and inside of...
my fave chapel...
Morning tea at a fave little place I've been to before...
No grapes on the vines...
...but this time we were only interested in the bottled kind!
Yep that's me....after ten kids...
Gah! I hate bathroom selfies
but as I don't own a full length mirror and people wonder
what I look like 'completely'
here ya go...
Love these night / sunset shots~!
all photography is property of
by M. Hayward