Sunday, March 9, 2014
The above graphic is something I have thought about a lot lately ... as my father and I speak about the past, present and future I am always so aware of how time has bent upon itself and history has repeated...and not always for the greater good. But I suppose this is how we learn...
We are all so wise in retrospect - gotta love that 20/20 hindsight... and when faced with the fork in the road do any of us really know if we've made the right or wrong decisions. What if I'd turned left in stead of right? What if I'd left home 5 minutes later? What if I hadn't taken that job, moved to that house, had that relationship ra ra ra.... woulda, shoulda, coulda....who knows... I guess life really turns out how it is meant to.
"All the world's a stage, and we are merely players!"
It's always good to look in the mirror and think about what we can change or do better or differently - ponder on what we've learned... I've done this so many times, but as I continue to do it, I hope that the soul-searching will yield something of value. I hope that in doing so I can impart the knowledge, and the words of wisdom to those that need it...in turn being 'the person I really needed when I was young.'
The pitfalls are deep and many as you navigate this crazy world... but as I see the kids of today growing up in a world that demands you learn fast and that you're resourceful, I see how switched on they are and how capable they are and how wise... maybe because so many of us now have lived a thousand years in a short space of time. I guess as we hold up that mirror, most of us want to see an image we can LIKE, even LOVE, and embrace. Who wants to take four decades to feel comfortable in their own skin...??? HELLO!!!! Too long.
I used to look in the mirror and see nothing but my mother...and now...now I see the future... but I also see so much more...
The mirror ne'er lies.
As I sit across the table from my dad, or take walks with him in NYC - something I thought I would never do! - the image of him sparks reminders of my first born (my son who is almost 26)...flickering in front of me, playing like a beautiful movie, an old favorite that I could re-run all day long. My son's bone structure, hairline, cough, laugh, and mannerisms are so similar to his grandfather, and I watch closely so I miss nothing. I want to commit everything to memory...I'd say every crease and line, but although my dad is 70 his skin is so beautiful - just like my boy! His eyes are the same, exactly the same aquiline nose, that sharp sense of humor and wit... And yet, when dad looked at the family photos with me, he commented how similar my second born is to him instead...and my third son apparently resembles my brother as a little boy. Funny because I always said my third-born was the spit out of his father's mouth; but his nickname was my brother's first name...I didn't bestow this nickname upon him though - my dear best friend at the time did... it was meant to be a play on words. She could never have known the name she picked had such close ties with me, because I never discussed my missing family. It hurt too much to talk about them...so, I just didn't...
Today, Dad & I went to the market together to buy vegetables and Italian bread...such a simple task but I so appreciate that we could do that. The weather was a balmy 2 deg (celcius) or about 35.6 Fahrenheit. It was a gorgeous day. I didn't need my gloves or hat, I wore sunglasses (rare as so often it's overcast here) and I ended up having to take off my wool jacket. It was HOT! Perhaps I have acclimatized! The playground was brimming with children. I've never seen it so full; laughter and excited little voices bubbling over the wall to me, music to my ears as I watched from the sidewalk across the street by the church. My baby Roo would have loved it today - so many children to play with. I smiled at the memories we created there... finding the Squirrels, pushing him on the swing, watching him discover all the ways he could climb on the equipment, speeding down the slide into my waiting arms, or hanging out with his uncle and showing him what he could do, under his ever watchful eye (my little brother constantly afraid the baby would fall and doting on his every move)... These are the moments I treasure and it makes my heart tingle with love and pride, and hurt with the ache of missing him. I love having these special memories, oh but they are a double-edged sword. Still, I was able to speak to my babies twice today and that is always a gift I look forward to.
I am comforted by the family resemblance I see here in the faces of my family! I have this daily reminder of my crew at home and how we are all connected by this amazing gene pool that just does what it has to do...we have no control over DNA that was created long ago ... it just is what it is... you cannot deny family! Love 'em or hate 'em, they belong to you! I always think of that line from Bewitched that Uncle Arthur uttered to a family member he couldn't tolerate (perhaps it was said to Endora?) "When I think of you as a blood relative, I long for a transfusion!" That line still makes me chuckle today... but the fact is, drain out all the blood and replace it, but you can't swap the DNA. Look into someone's image - into their face - and you will see all you need to know. Sometimes you just don't need a blood test; that belle image (beautiful image) will speak to you - and for some it will be a source of comfort, others a source of deep and abiding pain. For me, it is ever so bittersweet!
I took a pic of my dad and one of myself and halved them and joined it back together. I uploaded it to Facebook and everybody commented how alike we are...of course there's more to it than just the physical appearance but it's kind of cool to see how the chips fall and that the apple truly doesn't fall far from the tree... We word stuff similarly, have such aligned philosophies on life, and laugh at the same things.
As we talk and share stories of the past, turning the gnarled pages of yesterday, the music of another era drifts through our dialogue; the façade of the 70s stripped away like old paint...in my mind's eye the memory of the building structures that stood as the backdrop of my childhood, crumble like dust as the veneer of a distant time is melted away to nothing; crushed under the weight of the truth. Ghosts of the past are laid to rest. The mirror image wobbles, as I try to bring the two worlds into focus - that was then, this is now... this is where the lies end and the truth begins...
My father is a determined man and admonishes me to write that book - to tell our story! I listen to his wise counsel. I answer his long-held questions...and he answers mine. How long his mind (my mind) has run with the wondering of the past...the question mark a loud exclaim, the mind barely silenced along this epic journey that brought us here... and he is the voice I needed as a child. And somewhere through the universe echoed and reverberated his message and his frequency...somehow, I feel like it reached me. It may have been a whisper but perhaps my heart could hear it. We speak the words that belong to our souls...and it is almost as if his was transposed over mine and with clarity, not only do we recognize each other in spirit, there is a comfortable place that has been reached, without others running interference.
I am grateful I have become the person I needed when I was young... because my voice is an echo of his. My thoughts are like the transcript from his mind. My words run a parallel white line, as if we had been heading in the same direction the whole time without even knowing it. In another time and another place he breathed life into me, and even when I thought the light had gone out, it was still going...maybe at times just a flickering ember...smoldering on, still surviving for nearly half a century (such a very long time)... and yet nothing could snuff it out - not even the determination and vile intention of others. This whole time it was just sitting there, waiting...for the kindling that would spark it back to life. All this time...it was a little light that guided my path, maybe not the beacon that I needed, but while it lived on the barest memory it was saving energy for another time...and place. And here I am... The flame grows brighter, the fire, the energy, & the connection grew stronger, and the image sharpened from that wobble and in its place a crisp image comes into focus...
With this journey comes a clearer path. And while the rest of the world tumbles and turns like a ball tossed around by the ocean...I have clarity. I have a goal. I have a place that I 'belong'. Not yet a place to call 'home' but people I belong to...and something amazing to work for.
It is from this epic journey that I have seen that the human spirit has amazing resilience and proves through time and space that it has the will (and the ability) to survive the most trying times.
And fate will not be silenced... When destiny has a journey planned for you, it is futile to resist - you may as well buckle up and go along for the ride. There's not a thing you can do to stop it. Be sure to raise your hands in the air, scream for joy, enjoy the thrill of the chase, the pump and surge of adrenaline, and remember to love it all (in it's entirety), even the parts that suck! Rollercoasters have peaks and troughs for a reason. You hit the bottom at a hell of a rate of knots, only to push back up to an exhilarating high! You can't enjoy the motion of the ocean if you're afraid you're gonna be seasick! Chuck the oars over board and just go with it...enjoy the ride!
Saturday, March 8, 2014
You can now find me here @ Design Tribe
- Meekehleh (Moderator)
Do you remember "The Block - 2011" - and the funky sister act, Katrina & Amie? I know it's awhile ago now, but I loved watching what they created and after the show I connected with Katrina on Social Media, both on her personal blog and on Facebook. I'm a huge fan of her Blogging and Blog Designs, and her fab website under the banner of 'Under $100'. We've kept in touch over time and I was excited to receive tickets via a promo on her Blog to "The Block - Live Show" held in Sydney in June 2012. It was one of our last trips together as a family and I have some of the fondest memories from that time!
"The Block" is one of my favorite shows on TV but unfortunately, as I am currently residing in NYC I've been missing it. I think the next job on my list will be to download it and watch the latest... I've missed a lot apparently! "The Block" is a show I definitely want to participate in, in the future... Why not check out "The Block Shop" for all the latest trends, hot new designs and fun stuff!
When I built my first home in 2000, I did a course in Interior Design, and that helped me create my second home, a 9 bedroom abode that was my pride and joy! Sadly we lost our home last year (you can read more about that on my About Mee page!) and ever since I've been living out of a suitcase! While this was one of the hardest challenges I've ever had to endure and I can't say I've entirely recovered, I am still as excited by Interior Design today as I always was; I am hugely passionate about it...and the plan is to publish my books and build a brand new home that can never be taken away from us again! I also have a few other plans up my sleeve...so watch this space for more on that as this story unfolds.
In the mean time, I'm excited to announce that Katrina has given me the opportunity to fill a role as 'Moderator' on the new design blog/forum, that she shares with her sister Amie - at Design Tribe! I am thrilled to have this opportunity and I know this will be a great connector when I am working towards creating our new home when the time is right and I can't wait for that to evolve. I am really excited to have this wonderful opportunity, thanks Katrina, and I hope that you will follow me over there and check out what's going on! Come and ask questions, get design ideas, find out about new products, design your new dream home, check out floor plans, color tips, offer some suggestions, and see all of the great businesses that are listed, or even find a product - curious? or need some help? If you can't locate a product maybe someone at Design Tribe can assist! Come on over and link up with the team and join a successful group of people sharing their skills and ideas.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Looking for Goldfish...
I walked into the storage shed and your stroller (your little spaceship stands idle) and my chest is heavy with an aching heart. I miss you all so much it's tangible...and I can't thank you all enough for being so gracious - for understanding that I needed to leave ... again...that this time, I needed my Dad...and I am on a mission to create a better life for all of us!
My last words to my youngest were "I want to snuggle you" and his innocent little voice responded "Okay..." If only I could have reached out and touched you...just one more time. The words come back "I love you Mummy!" .... "Oh Roo, I love you too, baby, sooo much!"
I ran my phone battery and laptop down saying goodbye to everybody, but it was worth it!
I am so grateful for Social Media that connects all of us over the airways. And for the fact that although 'life' has separated my family temporarily, it brought us back together as well. Such is the dichotomy of life...
I can see my two worlds reflected in a mirror - neither can touch...images on each side of the glass, separated by a breath...by distance and time...a reflection of the past, the present and the future...a magical world trapped in a looking glass...time will free them both.
Last night my father took me to visit a friend of his, an actor; his wife asked, in Italian 'Are you happy?' But of course, yes, very happy! I have answers to many of my questions now, and I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. And while my heart aches for my babies at home, I am so thankful for this moment in time... As we talked, she asked about the scale - the balance of life. In broken English, and Italian, I explained that the scales have been uneven for many years... and this caused a lot of personal suffering... but I feel like the puzzle pieces are finally fitting back together. Unfortunately, I've had to tip the scale again, in order to bring the balance back. I know it will happen. I am here, and I have a job to do. And I am so very grateful for a husband and children who have supported this decision and given me this chance to make a connection that has long-since been missing in my life. It's like drawing all of the strings together to finish the tapestry... I laughed as I told her this story ends with 'And they lived ALL happily ever after...' No life is perfect, but we are trying to make it beautiful. We are adjusting. We are learning. We are getting to know each other, working side by side for a common goal.
My father, a well-known chef in NYC, has been convalescing in Italy. He has come 'home' to NY for various reasons, and during this time we have discussed a book about our journey; he has put me in touch with some wonderful connections. I am blessed to have an opportunity to walk this path. When things have been so very difficult, this is truly the one thing I always wanted. You could give me a new car, a mansion and a diamond ring and it would never have meant as much as having my father and brother back in my life. With all three of us under one roof at last, and pact to stick together, no matter what (taking strength from each other), I feel like we can climb mountains together. I finally have MY people! There is purpose and there is joy!
I have my father's nose, his sense of humor, the same passion, and drive, similar beliefs, and our conversations range from the deep and meaningful (philosophy, life, politics...) to the light-hearted humor (and banter) we share. Last night I took a walk with him. My legs ache today from walking for at over 1.5 hours in total yesterday (my body got a little too used to the car when I arrived home), but it was wonderful to walk with him, even though outside it was a chilly 1 deg (celcius). We spoke much about the past and I learned many new things... Little did I know which friend's house...the actor. We spoke about my books and he wants to put me in touch with a screenplay writer he knows. I know that while doors will open, many may slam shut as well, but I am prepared for the knockbacks and it will just make me work harder to get that final 'Yes!'
So although I miss everyone back home, I am grateful they are safe, and well and happy...they have a roof over their heads, they are with loving family members, they have each other, and we are connected every single day. It is so very hard to be divided between two worlds. I know, I've been doing it all of my life. In some ways, now it is better, but in others it is worse...and of course that heartache continues. All that soothes my soul is that I know we will be back together soon, and I have the solid distraction of my writing, meeting people/connections, and making headway to keep me afloat. I notice it most when the hour is late and everybody else is asleep. My family here keep me going too. My Dad is keeping me focused. He's a very wise man and I am grateful for his counsel. He makes me think, stretches my mind, pushes me, and is working beside me. I've never had another human help me so much, and in such a short space of time. I am lucky to have someone so dedicated in my life.
I feel like there is purpose to this. A light at the end of that long, dark tunnel...
As I left NYC last month, my heart was torn in two...having to leave my little brother behind after 11 months together was one of the single hardest things I've ever had to do. The way we were separated 25 years ago is forever present in my mind...but at least this time there was just enough time for a quick hug at the gate before we were separated by the security process of the airport protocol ( I almost missed my flight). Dragging a three year along can be tedious, but I was so grateful of his company! By the time we reached LAX he was exhausted, and thankfully slept 10 hours on the next leg of the journey!
I loved that he got so excited every time he looked out of the window...from the clouds to the city lights, he was captivated...it is always so special to see the world through the eyes of a child!
....and little did I know I would be back in the Big Apple less than 2 weeks later...and how different my life would be!
Rain...Sydney weather turned it on!
Tired...heading to JFK to leave NYC last month!
In Los Angeles -
wearing his Brisbane Broncos jacket!
Charlie Chaplin movie superimposed over this background
One of my fave airports!
At home....we found a new Mickey & Minnie Mouse set!
We couldn't resist...err he couldn't resist!
My tropical oasis when I got home...
This was 'home' for a little while!
it was back to the snow!
what a contrast!
Above - in Sydney -
Time for a quick coffee at The Coffee Club!
The above pic was for the prompt - 'on my mind'
This represents family...& on my mind is -
both worlds - Australia and the U.S
my old life...and my new...
and of course - making some money ;)
It is so very cold here in NYC. I am missing the heat! I barely had time to thaw out and I was heading back to America with less than 24 hours to organize myself. I wasn't very organized in the end...but here I am...arriving on a wing...and a prayer...and just using Faith to get by! ...
On a completely different note...
I found this amusing and just had to share!
I found this amusing and just had to share!
Delivered with class and aplomb
Til next time,
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
...and so I Blog my story...
This is my life...
*This blog post contains a lot of lyrical content.
Click the links to visit each song.
You've all heard of Ned Kelly right... you know...the infamous outlaw many people love to shove on a bit of an Aussie icon kind of pedestal thing ... well in case you aren't into Australian history and you've never heard of him, here's the brief -
Edward "Ned" Kelly (June 1854 or 1855 – 11 November 1880) was an Irish Australian bushranger. Kelly's legacy is controversial; some consider him to be a murderous villain, while others view him as a folk hero and Australia's equivalent of Robin Hood.
Kelly was born in Victoria to an Irish convict father, and as a young man he clashed with the Victoria Police. Following an incident at his home in 1878, police parties searched for him in the bush. After he and his colleagues killed three policemen, the colonial government proclaimed Kelly and his gang wanted outlaws.
A final violent confrontation with police took place at Glenrowan on 28 June 1880. Kelly, dressed in home-made plate metal armour and a helmet, was captured and sent to gaol. He was convicted of three counts of wilful murder and hanged at Old Melbourne Gaol in November 1880. His daring and notoriety made him an iconic figure in Australian history, folklore, literature, art and film.
So good old Ned's a bit of a leg-end! - to use the vernacular... and most of us Aussies class him as a bit of trouble-maker but nothing too dreadful, or so it would seem. We kind of love to make the bad guy the good guy. I'm not too sure what that's about, but we've been doing that for a very long time... If someone attempted what he did today I'm pretty sure we'd all go nuts... He's a slice of Aussie history that just won't die, but I have to admit, despite the bad press, I have a soft spot for the guy and his home-made suit of armor....everybody loves an Aussie icon right? Or so they say! A good friend of mine even has a wall dedicated to him in his house. I laugh every time I see it. It's a good conversation starter...nearly every single time... 'Oh I see Ned's still hanging around...you know, literally...blah blah blah' well that's kind of how it goes! And I love the Ned Kelly mailboxes you see around. They bring a smile to my dial - can't help myself! ;)
My point being that with the Villains of history, no matter who they are - love 'em or hate 'em - they are still villains whichever way you slice, dice or julienne it! You cannot go back and rewrite history to suit yourself! Google is pretty unforgiving with things like that. Go read about Christopher Skase...that's all still there to this day! Some things you just can't alter... sorry! You can't unsing a song and you can't uncast a rock after it's thrown! And if you weren't there (in the moment) you really shouldn't comment...now I am not talking about NED this time. I'm making a point, albeit a long-winded one...
It always amazes me that people make commentary about stuff they know nothing about and try to rewrite history and not just their own - but mine too apparently! Good luck with that. You go for it honey! Give it a good whirl cupcake! I always say GO Hard or GO home!!! ...and you're certainly giving it you're all...sadly, a very bad effort, but it's bloody good for an uproarious laugh. And I suppose every chapter in life makes for another chapter of my book. I suppose it is a version of entertainment if nothing else. I will admit to laughing my head off when I was directed to read your latest instalment of muck.
Let me explain what I'm referring to above -
I recently read a blog that attempts to discredit me and places me squarely as the villain in someone else's fantasy (a world that does not exist) ... and she has the audacity to suggest I am a liar... that I make up the majority of the elements of my life. I wish! ...you couldn't make this stuff up! My imagination is good - but it's not THAT good! ;) To be honest, I wish it was all fiction, or a bad dream, a lie, a joke or a pretense and that I could go back to some perfect little world where all that glitters is gold...but alas, it has been a rough ride of late and I can actually prove everything I say as fact! As my friends keep reminding me - they were around during the years this girl refers to and they remember all too well what I endured. They are also more than happy to state it publicly!!!
But... some people take great delight in tearing others down, attempting to discredit them for their own gain and trying to make them feel less than. My life isn't perfect. Far from it. But I am no victim. I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself. Nor do I attempt to elicit sympathy for the way my life has gone. And I certainly don't contradict myself. There is no poor long-suffering husband! As for my children, I will NOT justify or make apologies to complete strangers for the personal and private decisions made within the confines of my family. It's my journey, nobody else's! If your father had been a decent person you wouldn't be the bitter and twisted spinster that you are! So perhaps think about that for awhile!
And remember one thing. I decide what I share on my Blog and how far I take that information. I don't have to explain myself to YOU, my stalker/s or other fake names and or pseudonym's you use to attempt to show that there are others out there who support the lies you tell yourself about your version of events.
It's very sad that a girl who was 5 when the story unfolded some 22 years ago, wants to rewrite a story she was not even involved in. Gah! Except by proxy - rather believing the rubbish fed to her by her parents...her father, the villain in this story, and her mother who stayed with him despite knowing the truth of his vile actions!
Unfortunately you can't always paint the villain as the good guy! Sometimes ladies & gentlemen, as Freud said 'A cigar is just a cigar!' and a villain is a villain! There is more about the story here on my About Mee page... the harpy is harping on the same tune again... unfortunately! It is such that I am given the fodder to continue the story as it is perpetual, it just. never. ends!
So yes, I've had the veneer up to here! You can pretend all you want that someone is not a wolf in sheep's clothing, BUT it doesn't change the fact that he's still a wolf. It is what it is! If it has four legs and looks like a dog, acts like a dog, and barks like a dog...and has fleas...then it probably IS A DOG! You can cover things up with a pretty coating (or veneer) but underneath all it's still rubbish even if you package it as something beautiful... you can't roll shit in icing and sell it as cake. It's still shit! Whatever façade you use, it does not take away from the truth!
And while I'd much rather be blogging about how much I miss my kids, or how great it was to see my dad after 25 long, agonizing years, or how excited I am to be dealing with a publisher in NYC, or how 'close' I am to my little brother (sickening I know...) or how my long-suffering husband (who I have complained about bitterly at times) has been amazing - thank you!, as have his parents on this most recent journey... sadly I am stuck writing this crapola once again... but you get that on the big gigs. I put myself out there, so there's going to be a certain amount of flack...and bullying come back...but strangely, it's only coming from ONE place. The messages I get regarding my Blog are encouraging and beautiful and inspiring on all levels and I am grateful for all of those people who add true value to my life both in person and in spirit. I am grateful for good friends and a family who have stuck together in the worst situation, pulling it all together behind the scenes... despite some very BIG hardships that have threatened to tear them all apart. I am grateful to friends and family near and far who support my decisions and have loved me - no matter what... If not for these people, I would not be sitting here in NYC once again, so soon!
I am grateful for the many beautiful messages I have received such as these :
*I just read your whole story and I admire you so much! G too-I always remembered him as a great guy, and I am glad to know that I was right. keep following your heart, it's led you to where you are and will continue to guide you with help from great people like your brother. God bless and godspeed to you.* D. D-C.
Demi Lavato's song - Skyscraper was given to me by PK with this message - "An anthem for you honey. You are so strong!!!. These lyrics are so poignant right now, don't you think?" xo
My response - "Yes most definitely! This has been a long journey and no one will ever know or understand the suffering (and the grief) all these years have brought. My brother encouraged me endlessly when I thought it [sic] (seeing my dad again) might not happen, he held my hand in the darkest days, he took the crap and then some and was my best friend - the best brother a girl could ask for - I know he always had my back NO matter how tough it got or how much it hurt him to see me suffering... I am also grateful to Peter (my husband) and my inlaws who helped me get here...without all of the elements falling into place I wouldn't have this blessing or this journey now!"
For a girl who never had the support of the male members of my family - uncles, and other figure-heads, except my Grandfather who I was very close to (but sadly he passed away when I was ten) this is especially beautiful for me to have my brother and my dad in my corner now!
Sometimes the support comes from the places you least expect it to...and sometimes it just doesn't!!!
Then this graphic above came with this comment from K.Q on Facebook - "Michelle, did you know that you posted this 12 months ago today? Still true. Shine bright!" (WOW!! I did!.... thank you that's awesome and just what I needed!!!) *Perfect timing!
S.M. Another friend - who I met by a stroke of luck, call it fate or what you will, also has ten children, what are the odds? (and lives not far from me either) had this say about judgmental fools - "Oh screw them Michelle, both you and I know how full on raising 10 kids is and how little time you get for relaxation. This is your time sweetheart for you as you too are someone's daughter. Find yourself along your journey and enjoy! Nobody can judge us until they've walked in our shoes and not too many would have the courage. I admire what you are doing and think you deserve to know your father!"
Thank you D.O. for this one - "It amazes me that people expect your dreams to match theirs. Life experiences dictate what we want, love and what is valuable to US, not anyone else. So at the very least prove the distractors! Come back stronger!" (oh yes, I plan to!)
C.J. I am woman hear me roar xxxxxx (Thanks C.J, you are the second person to use this song in relation to me this week. K.D. was the other one! Appreciate the sentiment...it's my mantra!)
Thank you to my awesome travel agent for these words - C.F YOU ROCK! "Hope you have a good flight and good luck over there. To travel is to own the world!"
J.T. Much love and thanks for - "Good luck with the book have fun with your dad!"
I didn't have a printer at home in Australia (everything is packed up in storage and my family are interstate) so a friend offered to actually bring me one and print off my plane tickets. Someone else had them emailed to her at work, and another two friends printed off some other documents I required and made them available for me, and I was given a lift to the airport. Thank you A.B, D.O, PK, and KR for your help before I left. It was tight to get everything done before I left, but your assistance was invaluable!
Thanks to R. H-A for the wine, cheese, great chat and great company, thanks B.B. for a great coffee catch up and everything else you did!
Grateful to you E.L.S, my new friend for - "Be the Mum you want to be not the one someone (anyone) else thinks you should be." (Exactly!)
I am so grateful for this opportunity to be with my father...the things that have occurred in the past couple of days have been amazing...what I have learned, and been 'given' in terms of opportunity and, the blessing of having two people in my corner that I never had before is an amazing gift! It is beyond HUGE! What I have gained, is far more than I had lost...
Dad said to me on that first day -
"LOVE always prevails...at first it appears as weakness,
then it has a fight, and then love prevails..."
and I know he is right!
and I know he is right!
And to those people who the graphic above relates to,
but who, thankfully, are few and far between,
I say... TOO FUCKING BAD!
And on a rewarding note...
Just as I was ending the day yesterday, I received a message with words I really needed to hear -
Thank you K.Q once again for your wisdom -
"In the big scheme of your life wasting one second of energy on negative people is too much - you need to spend it on what really matters :D I guess the essence is the same though Michelle - I really think the universe wants you to zero in on what is most important to YOU - who cares what anyone else thinks because you cant influence that in any real way (hard to believe but I am finding it is definitely true). Channel as much energy as possible into the aspects of those things you can control - everything else the universe will take care of. My best advice is become totally blind to the negative and focus on what NEEDS to be done - you will know it when it's time..."
Well...funny you should say that! Because one thing is for sure, I can decide to participate in this drama or not! And really I have a lot of beautiful, positive stuff happening in my life that is much more interesting and makes for lots of fun posts to share; and really I can't wait to do that!
I am excited to say that my Dad has now asked me to tell 'our story!' He has requested I put time and effort into the journey that we shared -a parallel life - both in being separated all this time and in reuniting. I've never really wanted to tell this story because there are many complex layers and it effects many lives, so I never really felt that I had the right to 'expose' certain details. But now with his permission, I can share it all. My father and brother support this venture 100% and with their blessing, I am now ready to embark on putting this journey into words. However, while some of the details will be shared through Blogging, this will be a book - and I am excited to have the opportunity to work on it in NYC where a publisher I spoke to had already suggested this is the story that needs to be told. So this is the next beautiful step for me!
Let the good times roll!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
As I drove around the old hood... my thoughts were scattered... I had missed the sounds of Australia... NYC 'sounds' so different. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would miss the call of the wild... and yet, there it was; the sound of the birds, the waves crashing (music to my ears), sitting on the bejeweled sand, a glittering salty blanket dotted with brightly colored towels and bikinis, umbrellas and surfboards...a kaleidoscope of Australian color... rich in Aussie flavor! Oh how I love you Ozland... but as I navigated the streets, valleys, nooks and crannies of a land that time forgot (everything seems so much slower there) I wondered 'how can I leave all of this...' the brilliant blue of the ocean, reflected in our flag, the salt air - sea breeze... I'd had conquered these roads, knew my way (very quickly) around my new space, and wondered why I would separate from all I know and love... how would I extract myself from what is easy...convenient...and loved... When it occurred to me that I only need to conquer Mt Everest once. Not that I plan on climbing the mountain, I mean metaphorically of course, because once you've been there, done that, and bought the damn Tshirt... why keep driving around in circles!? Seriously... When you conquer one area of your life, why not begin a challenge anew?
On my second trip to NYC, as we flew over the landmass from San Francisco to Newark, I saw the snowy capped mountains and I smiled...because I knew that I was *home*...
Unfortunately it was quite the journey this time... (but that's a whole other blog post).
As I watched the landscape slowly evaporate beneath us, I noticed that the snow ran in little crooks and crannies, a stark contrast with the arid land beneath it, turning every little crevice into the silhouette of a tree, bereft of its leaves, shadows of their former selves - no winter coat to be seen. Each little rivulet carrying a canal of white sifted icing sugar, spilling over onto the lofty mountain peaks, vanilla ice cream running down the sides...spilling over like a forgotten sundae. A hidden world visible only from the sky. The temperature outside dropped...but my heart was warm... I was coming home!
The Emerald City was lit up like a store full of jewels, sparkling diamonds and gemstones encrusted in all manner of things... it was breathtaking... There is NO city in the world like NYC!
Quick goodbyes were uttered, hugs and kisses all round...and the chance to share a coffee with friends old and new made my last days incredible! To those who loved me, supported and understood my decision to leave again - thank you! Thank you for...well...just everything! Thank you to those of you who helped me get here...
As I travelled through the sky I couldn't help but think 'I don't care if you're the favorite child.' I mean, when you truly love someone you feel absolutely no competition with them. Parents aren't supposed to have favorites right? I have ten children and not a favorite among them. Really! All I know is he came to find me, and brought me home (in November)... I love him and I could see why he would be the favorite (although I mentioned this to Dad, jokingly, and like me he said he has no favorites)... but he could be...and if he was...that would be fine with me. Because to me he is perfect! Perfectly imperfect in every way, so special to me, my best friend, confidante and my favorite little brother ... As he slept that first night I was home... I smiled, I reached out and touched his cheek and said 'Thank you' and I hope his soul heard me. He will never know what this means...
For the first time in 25 years I saw my dad...and he smiled and said 'You're so beautiful!' I was dressed in pink, my favorite color, my hair pulled to the side in a chignon (I don't often wear) and despite flying for nearly 24 hours and arriving home well after midnight, I managed to have my make up on straight and I felt free from jetlag...probably the adrenaline had kicked in. I had imagined this moment for a very long time. I told him he looked well. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and said twice it was good to see me, and I him, and I teared up... and my little brother said 'You handled that just the way I knew you would, not too emotional.' I was calm. The time was right...and it was a beautiful reunion. How I had always imagined it!